Rami Ungar The Writer

I don’t usually do this. I usually try to keep my focus on this blog towards writing, horror, and my career. But as many of you know, occasionally things build up and at some point I need to vent. This is one of those posts. So strap in for another PSA bordering on a rant.

And this time we’re talking about: do people think the theater is their living room?

I go to the theater a lot. Not just the movie theater, but ballets and touring Broadway shows, too. And it just amazes me how few people know how to behave in such a setting! They seem to think that because they paid money to see this, they can act like they’re at home and use their voice at full volume or check their phone.

Yesterday, my mom and I went to go see Back to the Future‘s musical adaptation while it was here in Columbus (yes, there’s a musical adaptation of Back to the Future, and we enjoyed it). And the woman sitting next to me kept having conversations with whom I assume to be her adult daughter during the show. About the actors, their thoughts at the moment, about whatever. And they would do it at a volume you would reserve for your own home.

They would stop talking for a little while and I would be able to calm down enough, but I very nearly did snap and ask them to stop talking. The only reason I didn’t was because we were near the end of the show when I reached my breaking point, so I didn’t see the benefit of doing so.

Sadly, this hasn’t been a one-time thing. When I’ve gone to the theater, I’ve been seated near people who seem to think a conversation during the movie or performance in a normal tone of voice was perfectly fine. You know, instead of not talking and, if you have to talk, only doing it in a whisper, which you’re supposed to do!

Add in the people who get out their phones to text or check Instagram during a show, or who bring their small children to the show and are totally surprised when the kids can’t handle it (and I’ve written about that before, you can check here if you want to read that post), and you can see why I need to post about this!

In fact, I have posted about this! Last night, I posted about this on my social media, and the month before I posted about bringing small children to shows they’re not prepared for.* Both posts have blown up, and many people have replied talking about their own experiences with theatergoers who had no idea on how to behave in the theater. And some of these experiences have even gone viral: just recently, a man lost his temper at a bunch of women in front of him who were singing along during a performance of Mamma Mia, which lead to the women getting kicked out (you can see a news report about it here).

And who could forget Lauren Boebert getting kicked out of Beetlejuice because she was vaping and getting handsy with her boyfriend during the show? (Honestly, how did that woman become a congresswoman? She’s seven years older than me, but acts like a drunk 17-year-old on the best of days!)

So what’s causing this? I don’t know. It could be any number of things, or it could be that people just never were taught theater etiquette. Whatever the reason, here’s a quick reminder of theater rules for those who need it:

• When the lights go down, kindly shut up. It’s that simple. Remember, everyone here paid a lot for these tickets, just like you did. And everybody paid to watch and listen to the actors, not to you. So, when the theater’s dark, if you have to talk, do it sparingly and in a whisper, if at all. Otherwise, reserve your voice for the appropriate moments of cheering and laughing.
• Put your phones on silent or vibrate, and only check them during intermission. Yes, we see you checking your texts and Instagram. Yes, your screen is distracting. And yes, it is going to happen to you if you leave your ringer on, so better just be safe than sorry. Also, save the photographs and the videography for the bows or for special moments when it’s allowed. Seriously, the companies don’t put out that message for their health. Flashes are distracting, and recordings actually cut into show profits.
• Know your kid before taking them. I know we all want our kids to have special experiences, but making sure they can handle the theater is important. Just because they can handle a half hour TV show or a movie at home doesn’t mean they’re ready for the movie theater. And just because they can handle a movie theater doesn’t mean they’re ready for live performance. Even if you think they are, talk to them about theater etiquette before taking them, and take them out of the theater if they can’t handle it. Especially if the show you want to take them to doesn’t have special performances for school groups or families that are designed with antsy kids in mind (yes, those exist. See if anyone local to you does them).
  And if your kid isn’t ready, hire a babysitter! Trust me, with the price you’re paying for some of these shows, you can afford it. And if you can’t stand to be separated from your child, then don’t go! Parenthood is about sacrifice. Perhaps a night out at the theater will have to be a sacrifice.
• Finally, do some research before you go! Movies have ratings, and theaters and plays often have age recommendations and content warnings on their websites. But it seems some people still pay for tickets and are surprised when they come and find out the show is a bit spicier than they thought. This is especially true with live theater: people seem to think that Broadway hasn’t evolved since Sound of Music, and are shocked when they get to the theater and find it full of swearing and sex jokes (Book of Mormon, Beetlejuice), lots of suggestive content (Moulin Rouge), and/or serial murder (Sweeney Todd). And just imagine how awkward it is for the parents who bring their kids to these shows!
  So please, do your research before you go! Make sure the show is right for you and yours before purchasing tickets. Otherwise, you’ll take your eight year old to Heathers the Musical and you’ll both be traumatized by the bullying, murders disguised as suicides, and characters attempting suicide!

And if someone nearby won’t behave, grab an usher. That’s what they’re there for! They can speak to the offenders and, if nothing gets fixed, have security escort them out. It’s that simple.

Look, I know there are a lot bigger problems I could be ranting about. Believe me, I pay attention to the news. But I go to movies and the theater for the experience and for self-care purposes. And it’s very hard to enjoy myself and heal when I have to deal with other people who can’t practice common courtesy for others. So please, the next time you’re at the movies or a live performance, think about all the other people in the audience with you. If you do, you may find that you can still have fun at the theater without disturbing other patrons.

Thank you.

*I went to see SIX the Musical last month, and someone brought their four year old to the show. The kid started screaming bloody murder about two-thirds of the way through and had to be taken out. Saw that kid before and after the show, and I could tell there was no way they were ready for the theater. Though what their parents were thinking, bringing their kid to a show which includes dick jokes and a song about how one of Henry VIII’s wives was groomed and raped her whole life, I have no idea.