Last week, I was informed that July is Disability Pride Month. It’s an opportunity for those with disabilities–blind, deaf, psychiatric, mobility, etc.–to show that while they may have different bodies and minds, it’s not the end of the world. Hell, in some cases, it’s not even a problem. Instead, it helps build the character of the disabled and in some cases, they feel it makes them stronger. The only one with a problem might be society, which is still very ableist in its makeup.
I am on the spectrum and have ADHD (among other things), and I like the idea of Disability Pride Month. You should never feel less or be put down by your fellow humans just because you were born different. And some disabilities have become, rather than a hindrance, become the basis for communities with strong membership and even organizing. The Deaf community is one prominent example.
However, at the moment, I’m still figuring out how I feel about my own disabilities, let alone if I have pride in them.
That’s not saying I have low self-esteem or feel lesser because I have disabilities. It’s just that I’m still figuring out how I feel about being on the spectrum and having ADHD. On the one hand, it’s cool being “neurospicy,” as some people call it, and my unusual brain probably played a huge role in becoming a writer. Not to mention that I was able to get some accommodations in college and even found a steady, paying job because I am a person with disabilities.
But on the flip side, I’ve become more aware as I’ve gotten older how difficult it can be to interact with other people. Unlike fictional characters, whose minds I can get into and who are simple to understand, real people are complex and hard to read. I’m constantly on guard with my behavior, even with people who know that I have some social difficulties, in case something I say or do causes offense. Sometimes irreparable offense.
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know if I’m being my genuine self, or if I’m “masking,” as it’s known.
And last month, I listened to this lecture series on Audible about being neuroatypical, and it kind of blew my mind. Not only did a lot of the situations brought up in the series resemble things from my own life, but I learned how drastically autism and ADHD treatment has changed over the years and how much it still has to change. Did you know that for both conditions, therapy used to center around controlling and forcing people to act “normal,” however you want to define it? And there are still places that operate that way, occasionally using horrific practices like restraint or electroshock therapy to change behavior. It’s awful.
I received therapy for my behavior as a kid. I don’t remember what kind it was. I just went to it because my parents said that’s where I had to go on certain days at certain times and didn’t really think much of it one way or another. I don’t have any bad memories, but I am curious as to what approach they took with me. And if it contributed in any way to my own worries about interacting with people.
So yeah, I’m not sure how to feel about my disabilities. Is it true that there are benefits to being neurospicy, especially in the creative and out-of-the-box thinking departments? Absolutely. But when around people, it’s hard to figure out how much of myself to be and how much I need to mask. And is there even a difference between my true self and my masked self? At least when in company?
I might not get those answers for a very long time, if ever. Especially not when the world is still super hard to navigate.
Still, at least I have people around me and get me. Parents, siblings, dear friends, fellow horror writers and enthusiasts, Followers of Fear, and even coworkers. They let me be myself once in a while, and usually tell me if I cross a line and I didn’t realize it. They even forgive me when that happens. They make navigating that much easier.
Now if only things could become a lot easier! Maybe then I’d figure out if I’m proud of what makes me neurospicy.
Just a reminder, Followers of Fear: this coming weekend, July 13 and 14, is the Columbus Book Festival. It’s taking place at the Main Branch of the Columbus Metropolitan Library and nearby Topiary Park in downtown Columbus, Ohio. Authors of all stripes, as well as artists and others, will be there to help match you to your next favorite read. I’ll be there with my fellow members of HWA Ohio, so please stop by if you can.
And if you can’t, but you’re interested in supporting me (or maybe just want to read something scary), check out my catalog. From plant/human hybrids and strange gods to Mafia-hunting serial killers and carnivorous horses, I got something for every horror fan, including free stories. And if you end up reading something of mine, please leave me a review so I know what you think. I’ll leave a link to the Books page below.
Until next time, my Followers of Fear, good night and pleasant nightmares. I’ll see you around real soon.
Rami Ungar The Writer 